2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.