GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
house sitting!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences