If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
#Caturday
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*seductively corrects your posture*
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
This is a bad sign
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed