WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I love art.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.