God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.