me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
mathematically impossible
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught