Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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Going to church you guys need anything
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
plant them where lol
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?