7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”