don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.