Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.