[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
3: Mommy, I love you. You鈥檙e the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
God: you鈥檙e my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 馃榾
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who鈥檚 my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that鈥檚 cool 馃檨
God: oh he鈥檚 super duper cool
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don鈥檛 touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever