Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
that de-escalated quickly
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work