There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This classic never gets old . . .
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.