My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.