Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.