date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
this has to be peak English
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost