*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
You Might Also Like
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
multitasking lunch
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’