I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
classic mixup
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Terribly Tuesday.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
honestly, i need both:
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!