I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.