Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
You Might Also Like
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Breaking news:
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
rise and shine we got egg
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard