Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Fight
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?