Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
WHY would you be happy about this?