People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
what’s really going on
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The answer is funnier than the question
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.