Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty