DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.