This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.