“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.