It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
was Jim off killing horses or…