Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
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[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.