groan^2
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.