Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
This why you should mind your business
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.