[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.