*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.