to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.