Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You Might Also Like
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows