I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?