Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back