I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.