“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My current situation
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
#merica
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
thinking about a very short hotdog
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*