[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.