nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
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I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My dating profile:
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.