Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
cause of death:
autopsy.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
True freaking story!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun