waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.