[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Ovenable?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet