Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Somebody’s lying.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.