We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.