I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Twitter fine art
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag