All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.