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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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