11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
No Google it does not
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*